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February 28, 2012 by data ·
NB: You may wish to read the first part of this piece before reading further.
DIFFERENCE IN PERSPECTIVES
Ever heard the saying ‘Men are from Mars and women from Venus?’ Well, it’s more true than you can imagine.
Naturally, men are problem solvers. Tell a man a problem and he wants to fix things. He’s thinking, “Okay, how do we solve this problem and get on with life?”
Women? That’s a different matter entirely. Women seem to spend a lot more time dwelling over the problem than solving it (Sorry Ladies, I’m a Man)
I’ll give an example. My wife was having problems with one of her staff a few months back.. The lady in question had become insubordinate and downright rude!
My wife told me about it and I spoke with the Lady. After about five minutes, I realized she wasn’t going to change her ways. She was unrepentant and I felt it was best to ask her to leave.
I told my wife my feelings and left it at that. Later that night, I noticed that my wife was irritable. My mind was on work so I didn’t get round to asking her what the matter was. I traveled the next day and returned a week later to find her really upset at me.
What was my offense?
I was on the side of the erring staff!
I was truly flabbergasted. How in the world did she reach such a ridiculous conclusion? I wondered aloud.
The problem as I discovered after several hours of trying to reason with her was that I had not empathized with her!
As she explained to me, she knew that she had to fire the Lady before I suggested it to her!
“Why then did you bother telling me that you had a problem?” I enquired stupefied
“I just wanted you to see what I sometimes go through dealing with these people!”
I stared at her open mouthed.
“I would have been fine if you had said she was a silly girl or something like that. When you didn’t say anything bad about her, I assumed that maybe you couldn’t see my side of things!”
Can you beat that?
It’s just a normal spark in a marriage, believe me!
MEN HAVE A ONE TRACK MIND, WOMEN DON’T!
I hate going shopping with my wife! If I am going shopping, it’s because I need to buy something and even if I don’t know where to get it, I enter into shops and if what I want is there, I pay for it and leave.
If its not there, I walk out and head for another shop.
My wife? Even when she knows what she wants to buy, she enters a shop and begins to ask after other products! It is not important that she doesn’t have the money to pay for the stuff with her!
When she finally gets round to the product she came to buy, she begins to examine them critically and starts to haggle over how much she will pay for the product!
When there is finally an agreement as to the price, she leaves the shop and begins to look around for the same product.
“But we just saw the thing in that shop.” I point out.
“Yes, but I want to know if I can get a better bargain!”
It’s the same when we have to go out together. I usually know where I’m going and I know how much time I want to spend there.
My wife has this knack of stopping off in five places before we get to our original destination and this simply get to me!
“Can we stop bye, I have to pick up my dress from the Tailor’s”
“Look, you can go to the Tailor’s whenever you want. I’m running late already.” I snapped.
“It’s only round the corner.”
“There are at least ten corners before we get there.” I point out
She starts to sulk and I have to turn off and head for the Tailor’s!
It’s just not fair is it? Is our marriage in danger? Of course not!
February 23, 2012 by data ·
I noticed that my wife had been reading the same page in a book for about forty-five minutes! I could see from where I was sitting opposite her that she was looking over the book, just staring into space!
Having been married for fifteen years, I could tell she wasn’t quite herself.
“Is anything wrong?” I enquired.
Silence.
“Honey, you haven’t turned the page of that book for forty-five minutes,”
Silence
“Okay, maybe it’s not something you want to talk about.”
I turned back to the book I was reading.
“I don’t know why you have to pretend you care!”
Uh oh! I put my book down.
“Honey?” I began politely, “I asked you if there was a problem—
“Yes, but did you wait for a response?”
Did I wait for a response?
“But I —
She stood up and walked out of the bedroom! I shrugged and continued reading my book.
Was I worried?
Maybe ten years ago I would have been worried!
Are we having serious problems with our marriage? No. She’s a woman and I’m a man. I can’t think or act like her no matter how hard I try and she can’t think or act like me no matter how hard she tries!
I remember an interview done with Ruth Graham where someone asked if she and Billy ever had any arguments.
“If we never argue that would mean one of us is dead.” That or something close was her reply.
You see, the fact that couples disagree or argue doesn’t necessarily mean that their marriage is threatened.
My wife is Sanguine and she has the tendency to wear her emotions on her sleeves. Being a woman and having tons of emotions, you can imagine how many arguments or to be honest ‘fights’ we got into before I grew older and (thank God) wiser.
I am by no means saying that frequent disagreements, quarrels and shouting matches in a marriage are healthy. These are of course symptoms of an unhealthy marriage and if care is not taken, divorce is often the destination of such marriages.
My point is that when you have two different species (Male and Female) from different backgrounds, different homes and different life experiences, living together in some twenty square feet of space, there are bound to be sparks!
However, it is not every spark that can lead to the divorce court and I’ll mention five of the harmless sparks in marriages here. These are sparks that are normal and should not give couples, especially wives, any sleepless nights.
1) REPEATED ARGUMENTS OVER THE SAME ISSUE: “Where are my keys?” my wife screams. “Has anyone seen my keys?”
I’m the only one in the house with her but I keep quiet. Maybe someone else in the house will respond!
“Honey, have you seen my car keys anywhere?” “Oh, were you talking to me?”
She gives me a curious look.
“If you would just take the trouble to keep your keys in one spot, by the door shelf where I keep mine, you wouldn’t be looking for them all the time.”
I reach under the sofa and throw the key in her direction. Without exaggeration, I can safely say that we’ve had this conversation over 2,000 times!
Is our marriage in trouble because my wife won’t keep her keys where I keep mine? Of course not! Because she’s a woman and I’m a man, there will always be areas where it will be downright impossible to change and we’ll in all likelihood continue to have arguments in those areas till we’re both old and grey.
NB: Watch out for the concluding parts!
February 20, 2012 by data ·
YOU NEED TO READ PART 1 OF THIS ARTICLE BEFORE YOU READ THIS!
I knew he wouldn’t understand me even before I started speaking. I wasn’t surprised. My mistake was that I didn’t let Paul realize who I was early enough in our relationship. He knew I was Born Again, make no mistake about that, but he obviously thought I was just another religious girl who loved attending church and religious events.
I told him I was not into sex before marriage about a week after we started dating.
Initially, he didn’t believe me but when he saw my resolve and I threatened to break up the relationship if he wanted sex to be a part of us, he fell in line.
But I gave in to pecks and eventually, French kisses. I must confess, it was God that saved me. I almost ended up in bed with him several times!
At first, my romance with Paul was enchanting. Like every woman, I relished the attention, the flowers and the Chocolates. I loved going out on dates to Cinemas and Dinner. I even went to Kenya with Paul and had loads of fun on wild life Parks.
Fortunately, we went in a group and I was not expected to sleep in the same room with him.
But gradually, the down side of dating Paul started to come out. I stopped attending church as regularly as I used to and I practically stopped participating in church activities.
Not that Paul ever objected to my going to church. His plans just never included church!
I started going for days without reading my Bible or praying!
One by one, my friends who equally loved God started withdrawing from me or perhaps I started withdrawing from them because I was spending a lot of my time with Paul.
Some of them tried to warn me but I thought they were against my having fun. I even accused one of them of being jealous!
I tried to get Paul interested in the things of God but he just didn’t seem keen! He believed attending Mass was good enough for him. I invited him to several crusades, hoping and praying that he would give his life to Christ. That didn’t happen!
Then we both attended Kike’s wedding. Kike and I had been friends since childhood and we had become committed to the Lord Jesus Christ about the same time. She was getting married to Dave her first love and the joy of the couple was real. Dave was also committed to Jesus and I could tell that the couple adored each other.
When I went to say hello to Kike before the church service started, I asked her if she didn’t harbour any fears about her marriage. The thought of marriage filled me with fear!
‘Of course, I am not afraid. We are both committed to Jesus and we believe the same things. But what is more important is that we’ve both prayed about this and we are sure God wants us married! We both love Jesus and we will continue to live for him’
I guess it was those words that did it for me. I knew there was no need to pray about Paul and I. God’s opinion on the matter was clear. ‘DO NOT BE BOUND TOGETHER WITH UNBELIEVERS….(2COR 6:14)
Anyone that is not committed to the Lord Jesus Christ is an unbeliever. Paul was in that category unfortunately. I guess I should have known better. Going out with Paul almost cost me my relationship with Jesus. Whenever I considered breaking up with him earlier, I would kid myself that maybe God would use me to win him to Christ. I remember someone once telling me that it was easier to pull someone down than to pull them up!
Paul almost pulled me down!
It finally dawned on me that I had to end the relationship. I had waited for the right opportunity for about a week and now he was asking for my hand in marriage!
The thought of getting married to Paul didn’t fill me with joy and bliss. It filled me with uncertainty and fear. I wasn’t as sure and as confident as Kike. I wasn’t sure that God would be in the marriage with me. How then would I make it?
I turned to Paul with all the courage I could muster. ‘Paul, you are not committed to Jesus. It is not safe for me to see you any more’
Slowly, I removed the Diamond ring from my finger and handed it over to him. I turned from him and ran. I ran and ran and ran.
January 25, 2012 by data ·
It was as if time stopped for about the five or so minutes it took me to answer Paul. My head was yelling ‘Yes, Yes, Yes’ but deep within my heart, I felt nothing but sadness.
Paul went down on one knee and held my hand ever so lightly as he slipped a beautiful engagement ring on my finger. I could see the Diamond glittering in the morning sun.
The Park was alive with children playing and dogs running around as parents sat enjoying picnics all over the lush green fields. Red roses, White Lilies and Purple Jacaranda Trees adorned the park. I could hear the songs of birds welcoming spring early this clear April, day and it was a wonderful time to have someone as charming as Paul propose to me.
But my answer had to be ‘No’
I shook my head slowly and pulled Paul up from his knees. I tried to speak but the words wouldn’t come. I turned to avoid the sadness that I could see deep within his soul. Tears filled my eyes at the thought of the hurt and the pain I was causing him but my answer had to be ‘No’
‘You know I love you baby’ Paul whispered slowly as he fought hard to control his emotions.
I nodded without turning back to face him. I couldn’t bear to look at him.
‘Why Lord, why?’ my heart cried out to God but I knew the answer deep within me.
From the first day I set my eyes on Paul, I had known this day would come. I just didn’t know it would hurt this much.
It was at this same park, about this time of the year. My bicycle had lost control and I had literally run into him! I was more than embarrassed! I was full of apologies as he pulled me up from the hedges.
‘You must have lunch with me today to prove how sorry you are’ was all he said.
That dinner turned to this a year later!
I could feel Paul move close to me as he put his arms on my shoulders. ‘Don’t you think I deserve an answer?’ he whispered
I gazed at the bright blue sky seeking strength and wisdom before I spoke.
‘I’m sorry Paul, it just can’t work’
‘It just can’t work? I don’t understand’
‘I’ve given this a lot of thought. I am not just a Christian Paul, I live for God. I treasure my relationship with Jesus more than anything else in life. He is my everything and I cannot live without Him in my life’
Paul shook his head in disbelief. ‘But I am not asking you to give up your relationship with God’ He protested ‘I am also very religious, you know I attend Mass as often as possible. I am not a pagan for crying out loud!’
January 10, 2012 by data ·
Did you agree before you got married?
Well, what kind of a question is that? Of course, you agreed. I mean, you’re married aren’t you? Would you be married if you hadn’t agreed?
Hold your horses! You see, over the years I have discovered that most couples that end up in failing or failed marriages didn’t really agree before they got married.
What do I mean?
In all probability, you wouldn’t agree to take a job without knowing the conditions of service would you? You’d like to know the salary to start with. Any allowances? You would ask. Any perks? You know the drill.
In most organizations, you have to put your signature to a document that says you agree to the terms and conditions of service. As it were, what you have is a contract of employment. The employer has its own obligations and you, the employee have your own obligations.
Except for desperate people, most folks tend to shop around for the job that offers them the best. Sometimes, you may even take a job, knowing you’re still shopping. It’s not your Eldorado. The minute something better comes along, you’re off to greener pastures, so to speak.
This is even more so in today’s cut-throat business world. Hardly do you find people spending all their lives in one job anymore. People tend to be mobile. You can’t blame anyone for wanting the best.
What’s my point?
Do you realize that most people spend more time discussing and agreeing to their terms and conditions of service than they do discussing their terms and conditions of marriage?!
Now I’ve lost you! Terms and conditions of marriage?
Well, marriage is a covenant my friend. It’s an Agreement between two people. It’s a contract. Only a fool would enter into a contract without discussing and having a full understanding of the terms of the contract.
If you go to a Lawyer complaining that there has been a breach of contract, the first thing he will likely ask you for is a copy of the contract. That is the basis or the foundation of your rights.
When it comes to marriage, what happens is that when people are in ‘love’, they are so blinded by infatuation that they stupidly believe that they will live happily ever after!
To start with honey, love won’t pay the rent! There are about 90 questions that have to be asked and truthfully answered during courtship before a couple should even consider getting engaged.
‘What if we are Christians and we both really love the Lord? Won’t the Lord just do it for us?’
Do what? Jesus said it’s not smart for anyone to start constructing a building without counting the cost first! That means planning. In marriage, that means coming to an agreement about your future with your partner.
When people don’t agree on a lot of stuff before getting married, it’s not strange that a few years down the road they are going to be bickering.
Do you know that some folks get married without having an agreement as to how many kids they will have? I mean what if the husband is a football coach and he’s planning to have eleven boys so he can have his own team?
What if she loves dogs and really isn’t into children? (You think that’s crazy? I’ve seen crazier stuff!)
Your marriage is obviously more important than your job isn’t it? (If your job is more important than your marriage, I will suggest that you consider getting married to your job. That way you won’t be responsible for breaking someone’s heart someday!) Well, if you won’t take a job without coming to an agreement with your Employers, how can you get married without coming to an agreement with your spouse?
Oh no! I’m not asking you to get a lawyer to draw up a marriage contract to be signed sealed and delivered! I’m not talking about a Pre-Nuptial Agreement either ( If you live in the United States, you’re excluded!}
It is wise to sit down with your partner and come to an agreement as to your expectations in marriage. The benefits of doing this are eternal, I guarantee you. The benefits of staring into each others eyes and muttering sweet nothings into each others ears will be for about two years. The choice is yours.
state:
DID YOU AGREE?